How many times have you squirmed as you tried to find the correct way to say 'No' to a date without hurting your suitor's feelings?The situation gets even more complicated when the person asking is a friend. 4 Gals n Boys clues you in on how to reject without hurting.
I'm sure most of you have found yourselves in a situation where given a second chance you'd really like to redo the whole rejection bit; it could be you saying 'No' to a best friend's request to copy your homework, or your mom's demand that you help with baby-sitting, but none could be more excruciatingly difficult as saying 'No' to a possible beau. I've had my fair share of uncomfortable situations. I have tried everything from letting my silence do the trick to actually being rather rude just to get rid of the guy. Mostly, these techniques did work 'cos the guy would either be so embarrassed or too disgusted with me to bother me about going out again; however, there were certain individuals whom I regretted hurting on hindsight as I treasured their friendship and the happy times we had, all of which was destroyed after I said 'No'. So how does one straddle the great divide between making it clear that you only want to be friends and actually keeping the friendship that you treasure?
Rule No. 1:
Think Before You Speak.
This is easier said than done. Otherwise we'd all have a lot less conflict wouldn't we? My friend put it down to the fact that most of us are caught unaware when the question, "Would you like to go out sometime?" is popped, making us mumble something that the other might take offence at. A week weeks ago, I was watching the episode of a local drama series where the guy tries to date the girl out in the midst of her trying to deal with her grades and with another guy. I cringed when she replied rather rudely "Sam, I'm not interested in you. I've never been and I never will." It was only after Sam started avoiding Eva that she realised how he must be taking her rejection and by then, her efforts to repair their friendship was a case of 'too little, too late'. Granted that they did remain friends but some aspect of their friendship was forever changed. I'm sure had Eva put herself in Sam's shoes (as she did later on in the show), she could have found a way of saying 'No' nicely. Likewise, if you took a deep breath instead of blurting out the first thought on your mind ("Sorry, but you are not my type."), you'd hopefully lessen the hurt caused by rejection. No one likes rejection any more than you would, so if you imagined herself in a similar position, you might be able to bite back your desire to give a blunt answer.
Rule No. 2:
Always Be Gentle, But Forthright.
That said, you wouldn't want to be wishy-washy about the whole matter either. For example, saying "Well, I think if the circumstances were different, we might have worked out..." won't do. It's only human nature to want to preserve a future opportunity for yourself should you change your mind, but, by giving the other person false hopes (i.e in hoping for a change in future circumstances), you're effectively ruining the person's social calendar for the next few months! Instead, be direct and honest about your feelings but do so with tact and let the person down gently. End off with an enjoinder that you'd like to remain friends but don't expect your suitor to immediately reciprocate the olive branch. However, having extended your friendship, there's a higher chance that the person will stay your friend, although things may be a little awkward at the beginning.
Rule No. 3:
Never Avoid Giving An Answer
Cast your mind back to the scene in the film, The Bachelor when Jimmy takes Anne to the Starlight Room to pop that important question. After telling Anne "You win" and shoving the ring at her, Jimmy comes under questioning from his girlfriend about whether he was doing it for the right reasons. By not giving her a straight reply, he inadvertently let on that he was not ready for marriage thus causing Anne to flee the place in tears. Likewise if you try to squirm out of a date request by giving roundabout answers and leaving the other party to read between the lines, he/she will be embarrassed that you aren't even able to come up with a decent reason why you won't go out with them. Embarrassment can cause a person to either turn vindictive or defensive in an effort to restore their pride. A friend of mine (we'll call her Rina) used to wonder why the guys she rejected wouldn't look her in the eye whenever she passed them in school or avoided her totally. That's because Rina had a bad habit of pretending she hadn't heard their requests for a date and would change the subject totally; she would say something like "Oh, I'm sorry, I was thinking of something else. By the way, did you manage to take down what the lecturer said?". She rationalised that most guys would be smart enough to read between the lines and draw their own conclusions, that way she wouldn't have someone's injured expression on her conscience. While a direct answer may be difficult to give because you've to deal with that person's disappointment face to face, it's also the kindest way to let the other party down.
Rule No. 4:
End Off On A Positive Note
Having started off your conversation on a negative note i.e. "I'm sorry but I'm not interested in you that way...", it would be appropriate to conclude on a positive note. It has the dual purpose of making you and the other person feel better about the whole situation. You could mention something about the person that you've always liked ("You've been really helpful these past months with Physics..." Or "I've always thought you had a great sense of humour...") and thank him/her for their friendship.
Rule No. 5:
Keep It To Yourself
Lastly, discretionis the key to keeping your friendship. Nobody likes his or her feelings to be talked about like the latest gossip on Justin Timberlake. So don't make the situation break time fodder for your friends to laugh over (whether in a bid to make yourself feel better or just to prove that somebody actually asked you out for Valentine's Day!); just remember that the tables could be turned on you one day!
Labels: answer, forthright, positive note, reject without hurting, rejecting, rejection, think before speaking
