Holding hands on moonlit walks, whispering sweet nothings and sharing secret smiles - the stuff that a dating relationship is often made of. But not everyone gets hugs and kisses. Instead, they get knocks and bruises. 4 Gals n Boys tells you how to avoid being the sandbag in a relationship.
Your boyfriend is emotionally, sexually or physically abusive. You are terrified of him, but you can't tear yourself away. What if no one else wants me, you think. And because he is so mild-mannered to his friends, you conclude that you must have somehow incurred his anger and deserve the punishment. Violence in relationships can be of various degrees. It could range from displays of jealousy, possessiveness and hurling of nasty remarks, to physical shoving, slapping and the using of weapons.
How Does It Start?
Built-up feelings
An abuser may appear to have control of his feelings for a while. But underneath all that is a live volcano waitin to unleash its unresolved frustrations. If he is unable to pinpoint the cause of his troubles, he is likely to take it out on someone. You are the prime target as he takes advantage of the fact that you love him and are less likely to retaliate.
After the explosion
He feels much better now. He might return to his happy-go-lucky self again and start apologising. He promises that he will never do it again. He may claim that he doesn't know what has come over him, or insist that you had somehow triggered his outburst. If he should sense that you aren't happy and are considering a break-off, he would immediately turn on te charm. Some abusers are known to beg for forgiveness and cry. They play on your sympathy to get you to regret your decision.
The cycle becomes vicious
Now that he knows how to pacify you after treating you badly, the devil in him strikes every now and then. You may tell yourself that you won't endure the abuse any longer, but you are torn between the hope that he would change and the fear that he might get even more violent. Thus you adopt a wait-and-see approach.
Why Abuse Happens
Abusers have an immature perspective on life. If your boyfriend has not learned to solve problems in a peaceful, non-physical manner when he was growing up, there is a tendency for him to resort to violence as a means of solving problems now. Abusive behaviour could be learnt from his family or mass media messages that promote the "Might Is Right" view.
Warning Signs To Look Out For
Research has shown that a man is more prone to using violence in a relationship if he:
» was badly abused when young
» loses his temper very often, and over very minor matters
» has displayed violent attitudes or actions towards others
» is extremely possessive. He has to know your whereabouts and who you are hanging out with whenever you are not together.
How Healthy Is Your Relationship?
Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself about a relationship:
1. Is your partner's jealousy so overwhelming, that you tend to refrain from doing things you realy enjoy?
2. Do you make decisions together about how to spend time?
3. Do you feel comfortable saying "NO" to your partner? And do you say "YES" onlye because you really want to?
4. Has your partner threatened you to get what he wants?
5. When you have made a small mistake, does he make a big deal out of it and make you look and feel like a criminal?
6. Are you always the one to shoulder the responsibility and blame, even when it was clearly your partner's fault?
7. Do you feel pressured by your partner to do things that you do not wish to do?
If you answer "YES" to all the questions except 2 and 3, it is high time you look into your relationship seriously. Your partner is no good to you, and he is definitely wrecking this relationship and making your life very miserable.
If you are already experiencing a cycle if abuse, break the cycle immediately by refusing to become a victim. These are some things you should do:
» Think of your physical safety. Get away from your violent partner as soon as you can.
» Reach out for help. Inform your family, friends, or even the police. With support, you will be more equipped to handle your violent partner.
A relationship may not be perfect, but if it hurts too much to be together, then it's time to break free and heal your wounds before it gets worse.
What Abusers USually Do
Intimidation:
» Yelling at you
» Smashing and breaking things
» Making you feel afraid without lifting a finger
Mixed Signals:
» Yo could be his queen for a minute, and treated like "dirt" the next
» You have to tiptoe around him and constantly please him
» Embarrassing you in front of his friends
Isolation:
» Preventing you from socialising with others
» Preventing you from having fun without him
Threats:
» You have to do what he says or he'll make you very sorry
» Destroying your property or hurting your friends to frighten you into submission
Blame:
» Never admitting to being wrong
» It's always your fault. Sometimes, he may even blame you for being a jinx
Rape/Sexual Harrassment:
» Forcing you to be intimate with him, even if you do not want to
» Making lewd comments on your body.
Labels: abusive, dating relationship, jealousy, nasty remarks, physical shoving, possessiveness, rebound relationships, violence
