Holding hands on moonlit walks, whispering sweet nothings and sharing secret smiles - the stuff that a dating relationship is often made of. But not everyone gets hugs and kisses. Instead, they get knocks and bruises. 4 Gals n Boys tells you how to avoid being the sandbag in a relationship.
Your boyfriend is emotionally, sexually or physically abusive. You are terrified of him, but you can't tear yourself away. What if no one else wants me, you think. And because he is so mild-mannered to his friends, you conclude that you must have somehow incurred his anger and deserve the punishment. Violence in relationships can be of various degrees. It could range from displays of jealousy, possessiveness and hurling of nasty remarks, to physical shoving, slapping and the using of weapons.
How Does It Start?
Built-up feelings
An abuser may appear to have control of his feelings for a while. But underneath all that is a live volcano waitin to unleash its unresolved frustrations. If he is unable to pinpoint the cause of his troubles, he is likely to take it out on someone. You are the prime target as he takes advantage of the fact that you love him and are less likely to retaliate.
After the explosion
He feels much better now. He might return to his happy-go-lucky self again and start apologising. He promises that he will never do it again. He may claim that he doesn't know what has come over him, or insist that you had somehow triggered his outburst. If he should sense that you aren't happy and are considering a break-off, he would immediately turn on te charm. Some abusers are known to beg for forgiveness and cry. They play on your sympathy to get you to regret your decision.
The cycle becomes vicious
Now that he knows how to pacify you after treating you badly, the devil in him strikes every now and then. You may tell yourself that you won't endure the abuse any longer, but you are torn between the hope that he would change and the fear that he might get even more violent. Thus you adopt a wait-and-see approach.
Why Abuse Happens
Abusers have an immature perspective on life. If your boyfriend has not learned to solve problems in a peaceful, non-physical manner when he was growing up, there is a tendency for him to resort to violence as a means of solving problems now. Abusive behaviour could be learnt from his family or mass media messages that promote the "Might Is Right" view.
Warning Signs To Look Out For
Research has shown that a man is more prone to using violence in a relationship if he:
» was badly abused when young
» loses his temper very often, and over very minor matters
» has displayed violent attitudes or actions towards others
» is extremely possessive. He has to know your whereabouts and who you are hanging out with whenever you are not together.
How Healthy Is Your Relationship?
Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself about a relationship:
1. Is your partner's jealousy so overwhelming, that you tend to refrain from doing things you realy enjoy?
2. Do you make decisions together about how to spend time?
3. Do you feel comfortable saying "NO" to your partner? And do you say "YES" onlye because you really want to?
4. Has your partner threatened you to get what he wants?
5. When you have made a small mistake, does he make a big deal out of it and make you look and feel like a criminal?
6. Are you always the one to shoulder the responsibility and blame, even when it was clearly your partner's fault?
7. Do you feel pressured by your partner to do things that you do not wish to do?
If you answer "YES" to all the questions except 2 and 3, it is high time you look into your relationship seriously. Your partner is no good to you, and he is definitely wrecking this relationship and making your life very miserable.
If you are already experiencing a cycle if abuse, break the cycle immediately by refusing to become a victim. These are some things you should do:
» Think of your physical safety. Get away from your violent partner as soon as you can.
» Reach out for help. Inform your family, friends, or even the police. With support, you will be more equipped to handle your violent partner.
A relationship may not be perfect, but if it hurts too much to be together, then it's time to break free and heal your wounds before it gets worse.
What Abusers USually Do
Intimidation:
» Yelling at you
» Smashing and breaking things
» Making you feel afraid without lifting a finger
Mixed Signals:
» Yo could be his queen for a minute, and treated like "dirt" the next
» You have to tiptoe around him and constantly please him
» Embarrassing you in front of his friends
Isolation:
» Preventing you from socialising with others
» Preventing you from having fun without him
Threats:
» You have to do what he says or he'll make you very sorry
» Destroying your property or hurting your friends to frighten you into submission
Blame:
» Never admitting to being wrong
» It's always your fault. Sometimes, he may even blame you for being a jinx
Rape/Sexual Harrassment:
» Forcing you to be intimate with him, even if you do not want to
» Making lewd comments on your body.
Labels: abusive, dating relationship, jealousy, nasty remarks, physical shoving, possessiveness, rebound relationships, violence
Tips on dealing with breakups
Breaking up is hard to do, we all know that. Some of us have been there, done that, and gone round the block twice. Yet everytime we go through a break up, something in our hearts just snap. Although breakups effect people in different ways, the sense of loss is always present. Try not to blame the breakup on your ex or yourself. It takes two to tango and, in this scenario, both or you just happened to be mismatched. Here are some tips to help you get over a break up. If you're going through one now, try them out. If you're not, keep them in mind for a rainy day. Because, after all, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. But you can always carry some safety tips so you're fully prepared when that surprise creeps up on you.
The Denial Syndrome
The worst thing you can do during a break up is to deny it. Don't call your ex over and over again, to ask whether the relationship is over and if it can be salvaged, it's called harassment and it's punishable by law. Accept it and move on.
Grieve for the relationship
Many people associate grieving with death, but it's a very important process when dealing with any sort of loss. Grieving is a healing process that allows you to feel and appreciate your emotions. Sadness, hurt and anger are very normal reactions and grieving helps you make sense of your feelings. Having a ritual of putting things of your ex's away in a storage box can also be part of your grieving process. Embrace grief, it can bring you closure and the strength to carry on.
Sulky sallyDon't wallow in self-pity. That is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Unlike grief, self-pity is a narcissistic excuse not to get on with your life. If you insist on dwelling in your misery, there is little anyone can do to help you. Remember, no one can help you if you don't help yourself. Adopt a positive outlook and things are bound to look up.
Throw away your pastIt's difficult to move on if you are stuck in the past. Since anything can trigger a memory or emotion related to your ex, try to rearrange your surroundings. Put photogrpahs of both of you together away in a box, or just take his or her picture out of your wallet. With your new freedom, you can also participate in activities you would not have done with your ex.
Spend time with your friendsAs the saying goes, time heals all wounds. Spending time with your friends and loved ones would make things easier. Friends are a source of comfort and will do their best to help you get over the break up. Laughter is the best medicine, so hang out with people who get you in stitches, they can take your mind off your ex. Just knowing your friends are there to help you also makes it much easier for you to help yourself. Being around people who care lightens your mood and gives you a reason to be happy. Be patient and let time help you sort things out.
Rebound relationshipsThis is a mistake people make time after time. Do not bounce back into a relationship after a break up. Be very careful not to look for quick fixes by dating old flings. This is a period of time when you would probably be feeling vulnerable and emotional, don't let anyone take advantage of that. Starting a relationship because you are lonely and hurting isn't fair to the person or you. If you do meet someone you are really interested in, wait for a while. If the relationship is really meant to be, a few months wouldn't matter at all.
The future is now
The end of one relationship also marks the beginning of a new one. Renew your relationship with yourself, take time to discover the value of being alone and at peace. You can be happy without a partner. It's also a good time to evaluate what went wrong in the relationship and set standards for future ones. This should keep you from making the same mistake again. With your newfound freedom, take time out to meet new friends and keep up with old ones.
Stop & smell the flowersThis is a chance for you to enjoy being single again. Compared being single to being attached, to find out which you prefer. Look for the qualities you want in your next partner, such as honesty, patience and sensitivity. If you're not ready for another relationship yet, make a list of 'non-negotiable' qualities to deliver you from temptation. Never settle for anything less than the best. You deserve better. It may seem painful and difficult at first, but getting over a break up can be a most liberating experience. Never let one bad experience get you down and ruin your outlook on life. Think happy thoughts and approach Life and Love postively.
Labels: break-ups, denial syndrome, rebound relationships, relationship grieving, safety tips, self-pity, wallowing